It was a Tuesday afternoon in Abuja. Chidi was between meetings at the logistics firm where he works as operations manager. He had just learned that the boys’ school was raising its fees again, and he had also found a cheaper school with a good name two streets from their house. He typed a quick message to his wife.
“We need to talk about the school fees when I get home.”
Amaka read it at her desk and felt her stomach tighten. For months she had been quietly worried that Chidi thought she spent too much. She read the message again. It sounded cold. There was no greeting, no “dear”, nothing. She replied with one word: “Ok.”
Chidi saw “Ok” and frowned. She was clearly upset about something. He decided not to push. That evening he was tired, she was guarded, and neither of them raised the fees. By Thursday they were speaking only about the children. By the weekend, the house had the stiff politeness of two people waiting for the other to apologise.
It took eight days and a question from their older son, “Mummy, are you and Daddy fighting?”, before they sat down and found out that neither of them had said what they meant. Chidi had expected an easy conversation about good news. Amaka had expected an argument about money. And under all of it was something older. For a year Amaka had expected Chidi to come with her to the school’s parents’ meetings. She had never asked him. She had been waiting for him to offer.
Nine years of marriage, two clever people, and an expectation that had never been expressed.
Expression Is the First Ditch
I start the eleven elements with Expression because an expectation has no chance of being met if it was never clearly expressed. That sounds obvious. Yet most of the disappointment I have seen in homes, churches and workplaces traces back to an expectation that lived only in one person’s head.
Expression is an act. It can be done in writing, in speech or through the body. Goal setting is a form of expression done in writing. Your goals are your expectations about a thing or a process, committed to words. When expression is done well, it persuades, it clarifies and it gives the other person a fair chance to meet what you expect.
God Himself models this. “I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt: open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.” (Psalm 81:10). He invites us to express what we expect. Job said, “I would order my cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments” (Job 23:4). Expression is not a lack of faith. It is how faith takes shape.
Expression has several parts, and each one is a skill that can be learned.
Observation
Observation is the key to setting a realistic expectation. It is hard to see a situation clearly when you are inside it. The wise step back first.
“I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and will watch to see what he will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved.” (Habakkuk 2:1)
Listening
Listening is a skill that can be learned and mastered. A good listener assesses the situation before setting any expectation. Whichever side you stand on, the one setting the expectation or the one receiving it, listening for understanding speeds up fulfilment. This kind of listening goes beyond hearing. It builds a real connection between giver and receiver.
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” (James 1:19)
Thinking
Thinking comes after observation and listening. It is the thoughtful reflection and sound judgement that turn a vague wish into an expectation someone can actually meet.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7)
What you think in your heart about a situation will leak into how you express it. If you think your spouse is careless, your request will sound like an accusation, however polite the words.
Retention Capacity
What use is an expectation if the person receiving it cannot hold on to it? Before you express an expectation, consider the capacity of the person you are speaking to, including their age, their stress and their attention. A seven-year-old needs a different kind of instruction from a seventeen-year-old. A colleague in the middle of a crisis will not retain a long voice note.
Multitasking Ability
Some expectations require a person to work on many fronts at once. Others need one person’s full attention on one thing. Knowing how much someone can carry at the same time helps you choose how, and when, to express what you expect of them. It also helps you be honest about your own limits.
“But I have greater witness than that of John: for the works which the Father hath given me to finish, the same works that I do, bear witness of me, that the Father hath sent me.” (John 5:36)
Relationship
Relationship is everything in expression. When you understand the kind of relationship you have with someone, you know how best to express and meet expectations within it. Jesus understood His relationship with the Father perfectly: “I and my Father are one” (John 10:30). There was no confusion between them about what was expected.
The closer the relationship, the more we assume. That is exactly why close relationships need clearer expression, not less.
Diplomacy or Dictatorship
An expectation can be expressed diplomatically or by command. Both have their place. A parent pulling a child away from a busy road does not negotiate. A manager leading a team of experts usually should. The key is knowing the person you are dealing with, and what the moment demands.
God is constant in His character even as He varies His approach: “For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed” (Malachi 3:6). Your character should be steady too, whichever mode you choose.
Modes of Expression
Speaking with, or speaking to. When you speak with someone, the expectation is formed together and the execution is usually harmonious. This is the best mode. When you speak to someone, it is one-way. It has its place, when correcting behaviour or in a parent-child or teacher-student relationship. But expectations spoken to people are easily forgotten, and an expectation that is forgotten never sees the light of day.
What has changed since the first edition
In 2016, most of our expectations were still expressed face to face or over a phone call. Today, a great deal of family, church and work life runs through text messages, WhatsApp groups and voice notes.
These have become our new body language, and they are just as easily misread. A message without a greeting can sound cold. “Ok” can mean agreement, exhaustion or fury. A thumbs-up can feel dismissive to one generation and perfectly friendly to another. A voice note recorded in traffic can sound angry when the speaker was only rushed. Chidi wrote twelve words, and they cost his family eight days.
Comprehension + Compliment + Commissioning − Contradiction = Expression
Dig this week
- Write your most important current expectation in one sentence. Then read it aloud to one person it involves, and ask them to say it back in their own words.
- If a message from someone close to you upsets you, then call or speak in person before you reply in writing.
- Make room as if it is coming: write the expectation where you will see it every day, on paper, on your phone’s lock screen or on the fridge.
Questions to ponder
- Do you prefer to give and receive instructions in writing, in speech or by gesture? Does the person closest to you prefer the same?
- Name one expectation you hold of someone close to you that you have never said out loud.
- List five expectations you met in the last six months. Were you the giver or the receiver in each?
- List five expectations you let slip because you forgot to follow through. What would have helped you remember?
- In an ordinary conversation, how much do you listen compared with how much you talk? Try timing it once this week.
More questions for small groups are in the book.
Lord, help me to watch from the tower before I speak, to listen before I answer, and to write plainly what I am expecting, so that those who read it can run. Amen.
How ready are you for what you are expecting?
Score yourself on all eleven elements in about two minutes. You will see where to dig first.