Funmi’s phone buzzed three times before she reached the staff room. The first message was from her sister. Their nephew’s school fees were due on Friday, and the school had already sent him home once. The second was from her mother. Uncle Bayo was in hospital again, and the family was “contributing.” The third was a voice note from a cousin she had not spoken to in two years, reminding her that his wedding was in six weeks and that everyone in the family was wearing the same fabric, which cost a certain amount per yard.
She put the phone face down on the table and looked at the other thing on it: her study book for the British nursing exams. Her test date was eleven weeks away. Her savings for the move to the United Kingdom were supposed to cover the exam fees, the visa, the flight, and the first months of rent for herself and her daughter Tolu. Every request on her phone was real. Every one of them came from someone she loved. And every one of them, if she said yes, took a brick out of the house she was trying to build.
People sometimes call this the “black tax”: the money and time that successful Africans are expected to give to the wider family. Many cultures have a version of it. It comes from a good place. Families that rose together in hard times learned to lean on whoever was standing. But Funmi was learning what many of us learn too late. If you cannot say what comes first, everything will come first. And when everything comes first, the thing you were called to do comes last.
First Things First
Prioritization is simply doing the first thing first. That sounds easy until you notice how many things are shouting to be first. Many things are always fighting to become the priority on our agenda. We have to watch, so that we are not doing things out of order.
Jesus gave us the master key to prioritization in one sentence. Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added. Notice what he did not say. He did not say that food, clothing and shelter do not matter. The verses just before it talk about exactly those things. He said there is an order. When the first thing is in its place, the other things have somewhere to go.
Order matters to expectation because time and money and energy are limited. Every expectation draws on the same three accounts. When you set an expectation, you are also deciding what will be paid from those accounts and what will not. If you do not decide, someone else will decide for you, usually the person who calls the loudest or the most often.
The psalmist said, “Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee” (Psalm 119:11). He put the most important thing in the most protected place. That is what prioritization does. It decides what goes in the heart, where it is guarded, and what stays on the table, where it can wait.
Urgent and Important Are Not the Same
The most useful distinction in this chapter is the one between what is urgent and what is important. Urgent things demand attention now. Important things decide where your life ends up. A ringing phone is urgent. Your health is important. A cousin’s wedding fabric is urgent. Your daughter’s future is important.
Some things are both. Uncle Bayo’s hospital bill may be one of them. Some things are neither, and you will be surprised how much of your week they consume. The skill is to see the difference before you respond, not after.
Counsel, Feedback and Help
The 2016 edition said that help is always available, and all you need to do is ask. I still believe it. Proverbs says, “For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety” (Proverbs 24:6). Priorities are hard to set alone, because the people closest to us often have opposite opinions about what should come first.
Saying No and Still Being Okay
One of the tips in the first edition has become more important with every year: it is possible to say no and still be okay. Many believers carry a quiet fear that saying no is unloving or unspiritual. But Jesus said no often. He left crowds who wanted more healing. He went up mountains alone to pray. He did not go to Lazarus when he was first called. Every one of those noes served a larger yes.
Tools for Keeping First Things First
Here are the ideas from the first edition, kept and expanded:
- Design a system that shows all your pending expectations at a glance. One list, one page, one screen. If you cannot see them together, you cannot rank them.
- Ask for help. It is always available, and asking is not weakness.
- Get feedback from the people above you and the people under you.
- Separate the urgent from the important. Then give the important things a fixed time before the urgent things eat it.
- Be ready to adjust and adapt when the course changes. Priorities are set for a season, not for life.
- Count the cost and decide based on it. A yes to one thing is a no to something else.
- Say no when you must, and expect to be okay.
- Break big tasks into smaller parts and tackle them one at a time. Funmi broke “pass the exams” into forty study sessions. Each one fit in an evening.
What has changed since the first edition
When this book was first written, the main competition for our attention was other people and our own habits. Today it is also a machine designed by very clever engineers to keep us looking. Every app wants to be your first thing. Every notification is built to feel urgent. If you do not set your priorities on purpose, your phone will set them for you, one alert at a time.
The pressure on families has also grown. In Nigeria, rising prices and a weaker naira have made every family request larger, and every salary smaller. Many young professionals now carry parents, siblings and cousins, while also trying to build a future of their own, sometimes in another country. In America, many people in their thirties and forties are caring for children and ageing parents at the same time. The questions in this chapter are no longer a matter of personal efficiency. For many readers they decide whether a life can move forward at all.
Dig this week
- Draw your four boxes. Write every current expectation and request into urgent and important, important only, urgent only, or neither. Do it in one sitting.
- Write one rule of engagement for requests. For example: If a family member asks for money, then I will say “Let me check my plan and call you tomorrow,” and I will decide only after I have looked at my budget.
- Make room as if it is coming. Choose the one important expectation you have been neglecting, and set aside something concrete for it this week: a fixed savings transfer, a study hour on the calendar, a folder for its documents.
Questions to ponder
- What is the most important thing to you right now? Write five reasons why it is the most important.
- What are your daily routines? Which five of them deserve to stay at the top?
- What do you always do first in the morning? Does it reflect what matters most to you?
- When was the last time you had a medical check-up? What did your doctor tell you to address, and have you addressed it?
- What was the last project you completed? List the steps you took. What did you put first?
More questions for small groups are in the book.
Lord, teach me to seek you first, and to put the rest in its proper place. Give me courage to say no where I must, and grace to keep loving those I say it to.
How ready are you for what you are expecting?
Score yourself on all eleven elements in about two minutes. You will see where to dig first.